Saying Goodbye to 2009

This may be my final post for 2009 and that is a welcoming thought for me. I am ready to put this year to bed and look forward to better things to come in 2010.

2009 started out with a bang - literally. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since that fateful day when my friend and neighbor chose to end his life. While it's become easier to talk about Eric's decision to leave this world, losing your will to live is something I do not believe I will ever comprehend. I am no longer filled with the anger I initially felt afer his suicide and find it easier to recall happier times associated with Eric. I can only hope Eric found the peace he felt eluded him while living.

A year living in tough economical times has helped me focus more on what truly matters to me. I've spent time letting go of emotional and physical clutter from my life, reconnecting with friends I'd lost contact with over the years, and committing to making "me" - my health and welfare - a top priority in my own life.

I'm learning to set goals and create action plans to acheive my goals, not just wishing things were different. I'm still a work in progress, but find it easier to get back on track when I waiver from the healther life habits I've adopted through the past year. I have made a promise to myself - to continue on my path to becoming the best I can be in 2010 and look forward to sharing my experiences along with way with you.

All the best in the coming year!

Tis The Season For Exhaustion

It's December 1, 2009. WOW. I spent some time on my lunch hour yesterday designing my holiday greeting cards and have just fine-tuned the layout. This year, I'll be addressing envelopes to former classmates for the first time in 30 years, thanks to recent reuinion activities and the Class website. It just felt more personal to be sending a card I've created and not one off the shelves this year. It'll probably take me right up until Christmas to actually assemble and mail, but I think it's worth my effort.

I'm only partially through my holiday gift buying and sticking to a pretty strict budget. It's challenging to find meaningful gifts that have a use or a purpose every year. I've turned to more creative gift-giving the past few years, like making charitable donations in honor of a friend or family member.

This holiday season, I am grateful to have my health, a job, a roof over my head, food in the pantry, and the ability to truly appreciate that in these difficult economic times, they are the gifts in life that truly matter. I've found donating household items has been a great way to simplify my own life - shedding the weight of excess -and hopefully helping someone who has been less fortunate this year.

As 2009 winds down, I realize how blessed I am to have a life filled with loving family & friends and I look forward with hope in my heart for a wonderful 2010.

High School Reunion

This weekend my High School class is holding a reunion in Quincy, Massachusetts. I will not be attending, but have already contacted someone on the list who has promised to be my eyes and ears at this event [thanks, Heather!]

Thanksgiving is only 2 days away - and this year, I am thankful to Sharon and my other classmates who have taken time from their busy lives to create our class website and organize the reunion! Every new contact I make with an old friend is like receiving a new gift. And you can never have too many of those!

Sampling a little Tater Salad on Saturday Night...

This Saturday, I'm off to enjoy the comedic antics of Ron "Tater Salad" White with my friend and neighbor, Carrie. She picked up the tickets as a surprise to me, since we've both chuckled every time we've seen a taped show with Ron White in it. I realize his unique brand of humor may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I do find him funny. We normally catch shows at the Tempe Improv but this Saturday's show is in the Dodge Theater, a much larger forum. I need to pack a few tissues, since I expect to laugh so hard I'll cry! Will let you know what I think of this show! Let's hope Tater's on his game...

The Holidays are Coming...

Another festive holiday season is upon us. 20 years ago, I would have ordered custom printed holiday cards and spent hours working on my holiday card mailing list, writing out individual messages to friends and family. The year I moved to Arizona, I created my own season's greeting combination here's-my-new-address cards and mailed them out. That was 6 years ago and probably the last year I truly put any serious effort into the mailing of holiday cards.

With the prices of stamps going up, pressures to be less wasteful, more "green" and the cost of buying 100 holiday cards each year, I've whittled down my list of must sends... and swapped out snail mail for email greetings to many. My holiday card selections of late, mark-downs picked up at the end of a prior season.

This year, I'm find myself totally unprepared and feeling on the fence for what to do this year.

Do I go get full-price cards, create my own cards, write a newsletter, or skip them altogether this year? And, if I decide to post holiday greetings this year, will they even be ready in time?
As Thanksgiving quickly approaches - I wish you all a wonderful holiday season filled with warm, joyful moments... and if you don't receive a personally penned note this year,

I hope you'll find it in your hearts to understand!

Happy Holidays to all!

Promises, Promises

Some days I can blog about everything that comes to mind. Other times, I find putting the things that matter most to me in my life right now hardest to put in print. Perhaps because writing them puts them out there and makes it harder for me to ignore.

I consider myself a fairly honest, straightforward person. But, the person I am most likely to dishonor is me. It's mid-November and I've made quite a few promises to myself throughout 2009 and realize I've yet to follow through completely on any of them. Sure, I have some success, but I seem to fall just short of completion. I realize my own stalling tactics are the hardest hurdles of all. So, this month, I've been working hard to address those issues, get myself back on track and accountable to myself for seeing things through.

One of my goals was to incorporate regular exercise into my day - which I've consistently achieved since early Spring. I picked up "The Automatic Diet" book by Charles Stuart Platkin a few months ago and started reading. His basic approach is to swap out unhealthy habits for healthier options until they become automatic. Walking has become part of my daily routine, just like making the bed. That's not to say I wake up every morning eager to put on my sneakers! Some mornings I feel like hitting the snooze button and skipping the walk altogether - but the realization my neighbor and walking buddy will be pounding on my back door in minutes if I'm not outside prevents me from slipping back into my more sedentary ways.

Another goal is to lose weight and improve my overall health. The Automatic Diet covers this too, suggesting you create a blueprint for achieving your goals. I've worked hard on creating my short term, medium term and long term goals, yet I find myself not quite completing my game plan for how I'm going to achieve my goal. I realize by not completing this task, I'm blocking my own road to success - allowing my fear of failure to leave me in some sort of holding pattern. When discussing this with my co-worker, she simply replied - "you just need to get off your fanny and do it!".... She is right (thanks, T). I am resolved to overcoming this hurdle and hope that I will be writing an update on how far I've come since today's confession!

While I'm unburdening myself, I'll confess I still have not completed the office re-organization - another emotionally uncomfortable task I have been avoiding. Several self-imposed deadlines have passed and I've extended them so many times, I've lost count. But, again, the only way for me to enjoy the tranquil, inviting creativity space I've envisioned in the room I refer to as my home office is to get on with it. [your thoughtful suggestions and inspirational pearls of wisdom gladly accepted]

So, it is my sincere intent to work harder at keeping promises I make to myself. I want to achieve these important goals I've set for myself. I want to prove to myself that I am truly a person of my word, just not someone who's all talk. Wish me success!

Playing the hand you're dealt

So, I've been blogging alot lately about reconnecting with school mates I haven't seen in years. This week, I reached out by phone to Caroline; my best friend from 3rd grade through high school!

Caroline and I were always together. If I tallied the hours in each year from junior high school to the day I left for college, I wouldn't be surprised to find I spent more hours at Caroline's house than I did my own. Caroline and I did everything together - we both got our licenses on the same day [even though I was almost a year older than Caroline, I waited until she was old enough to apply.] We won tickets to our first concert (Elton John!) from a local radio station. We enjoyed many sleepovers in her basement - baking cookies, frosting our own hair (does anyone remember Quiet Touch?) and mooning over boys.

One summer during our teenage years, Caroline's cousin came over from England to visit. Josie was everything Caroline and I were not - a bit older, worldly, sexy and exotic. In a very homogenous town, she was different. And, she caught the attention of the boys in ways Caroline and I had never dreamed possible. I envied her. I think Caroline may have, too. We spent an entire summer in Josie's shadow. I longed to be exotic, thin, pretty with dark hair and a foreign accent. In essence, I longed to be Josie. I would have given anything to trade lives with her at that moment.

After our graduation from high school, my decision to attend college out of state changed our paths forever. Caroline stayed home and ventured into the working world, while I pursued my Bachelor of Arts degree 5 hours away. I came home for winter and summer breaks - but by then we'd both changed. We kept in touch through cards, letters and the occasional phone call - but our lack of shared experiences gave us less to bond over. My parents moved out of state during my senior year of college and I never returned to my childhood home again. Caroline eventually married and started her family. Our contact trickled down to Holiday cards with photos of her growing family and eventually even that was lost.

My conversation this week with Caroline was our first contact in years. During the call, Caroline caught me up on her life and family. I was saddened to learn her Dad had lost his life to cancer about 4 years earlier. I was shocked to hear that Caroline's cousin Josie had unexpectedly died last winter.

Learning of her death made me stop and think about envying others instead of truly appreciating the gift of my own life. If I had known as a teenager that Josie would be dead at 50, would I have been so willing to have traded places? I hope that I can remember to truly appreciate the hand I've been dealt in this life. I hope I can remember that envying someone else's perceived hand when you can't see all their cards is pointless. The hand you've been dealt may very well be just as good, or better.

Starve A Cold, Feed a Fever?

I know I'm not the only one out there who can't recall this saying properly... in fact, I still question which is it?... And, at the moment, I am suffering my way through a cold and don't much care. If I'm hungry, I eat. Even if I'm not hungry, I still might eat. I'll do just about anything to try and take my mind off how lousy I'm feeling until I'm feeling better again. I wish that there was some cure for the common cold.
Of course, when you are suffering from a cold, it's like the opening for every friend and family member to give you their tried and true methods for fighting back - suggesting you take Vitamin C, more zinc or eat chicken soup. What I have found, if you try any of their helpful suggestions to treat a cold, you're sick for about 7 days. Without doing anything, you're sick for a week.
Discovering I have a cold has also prompted people I come across to ask me, "Have you gotten a flu shot?" My answer to them is a simple "no." Nor do I intend to. Call me crazy, but I believe that the body has an inherent immune system designed to combat what ails you. That's not to say there aren't those with compromised immune systems that may require a little outside assistance now and again. I just don't think the average healthy human needs one. In fact, I also believe that surviving a cold or flu helps to build your own immunity, so you're less likely to get sick.
Have I ever suffered a bout of influenza? Sure. I got sick with flu 2 years ago and I'll admit, it was pure misery getting through it. It was also the only time I can remember since early childhood. Perhaps I've just been lucky, but I tend to believe it's more a case of a healthy immune system and a common sense approach to illness when it strikes - making sure I get enough rest, eating right and getting exercise - and trusting my body knows enough to help itself when the time comes to build that army of antibodies needed to take control back.
I've promised those who have suggested I need this flu shot a nasty wake-up call at 3am if I do come down with a bought of flu this season - because I believe they've jinxed me just bringing the subject up. I cursed myself in 2007, when I told a co-worker I almost never get sick, only to contract the flu a few days after making the fateful comment.
So, if you think you need to go out and promote the flu shot to those of us who think we're fairly adequately protected by our healthy immune systems, I want you to remember another old saying - "misery loves company"... you'll be the first person we'll seek if we get sick!

Details Not Required

This week, I reconnected with a college friend I'd lost contact with a few years after graduation. Tom was truly more like college family than college pal. Our senior year my roommate Melinda and I intentionally selected dorm rooms next to Tom and his roommate. My best description of dorm life that year was akin to Laverne & Shirley episodes. I can recall many occasions, a quick knock on my door, which would almost simultaneously open to reveal Tom (whom I'll refer to as "Lenny") and his roommate "Squiggy" stopping in to say "hi" or just to drive me crazy for a few minutes - silly moments that can still bring a smile to my face today.

Tom was known to barter Stella D'oro cookies for a strong cup of coffee during late night study sessions (I kept a rather well stocked dorm room, complete with coffee maker, hot plate, fridge & toaster oven). When we weren't busy studying (OK, I think only Tom really studied that much...), we often socialized in my room and shared lifes ups and downs together. Over time, we became more like brothers and sisters, which led to the occasional bickering and/or irritation with each other you would expect with family members living in close quarters, but I think we all enjoyed our college days thanks in great part to those close-knit bonds we created.

While alot of years have passed since we last communicated, my recent e-mails to and from Tom have been easy exchanges of everyday angst tinged with humor - just like our communications back in college - only filled now with more immediate details of our present lives. I was pleased to learn Tom is married and the proud, sleep-deprived father of 3 young children. We've shared a few updates on other mutual friends from our college days. In one of our early emails, Tom stumbled upon one one particular topic and my short response to his question was all it took for Tom to write me back the most poignant thing he's written me so far; "some things are OK to let go - door closed."

That's how you know you've re-connected with a true friend - someone who doesn't need to ask about the details - because they somehow already know what's been left unsaid. And that's the kind of friend you welcome back into your life with open heart and open arms.

Setting Goals - Reflection

I've been reading a book by Charles Stuart Platkin, the "Diet Detective," hoping to find the right spark of motivation to embark on my next big goal - losing weight. I've been carrying around alot of extra pounds and they weigh quite heavily on me (pun intended). In my 20's, weight loss was all about how you looked. In my 40's, it's all about health concerns. Don't get me wrong, I still want to look good, but the focus shifts to concerns about swollen ankles, trouble breathing, even premature death.

I took my healthy body for granted as a kid and abused it. I didn't exercise regularly. I had very unhealthy eating habits (my Mom often says if it were not for peanut butter and jelly, I wouldn't have survived) and an incredible sweet tooth. Weight became a concern in my teens, so I switched to diet soda's and other unhealthy habits. I will even admit, I tried to purge on more than one occasion after binging on junk food, but never could get the vomiting habit going - and my weight reflected that. Moving away to college helped - I fell in love and found institutinal cafeteria food rather revolting - stuck on campus with little cash, I ate only when hungry and walked everywhere. I lost a quick 25 pounds the first few months of my freshman year.

I stayed at what I consider a rather healthy weight until my senior year - when I started packing on the pounds. I wasn't sure what caused the weight gain, but stressful life changes - like looking for work after 4 years of enjoying college dorm life, moving in with my parents (something I thought I'd never do again when I left 4 years earlier) and the demise of relationship with my first love probably all had a significant impact on me. The weight gain has gradually climbed ever since. Oh, there were a few moments here and there, when I was able to knock of 10 or 20 pounds with whatever diet fad I was on. But, my extra pounds seemed stuck to me like glue.

My weight loss attempts included the yeast free diet (in combination with the blood type diet), weight watchers, nutrisystem and even a doctor supervised modified fast that was guaranteed to give me a great start on weight loss. None of these attempts provided any lasting weight gain and over the course of time, have led me to fear trying again... I did have a few wonderful sessions with a nutritionist a few years back - although they turned out to be more like therapy sessions for me! I took away some solid tools about healthy eating and exercise that, if used properly, can be great guidelines to keep a body on track. But, what I also found out about me, I was full of reasons why I couldn't succeed.

I've watched other family members and friends achieve incredible health and fitness goals, simply by putting one foot in front of the other. None of these successes were achieved over night, but they've all managed to maintain their healthy physiques by continuing with making the right kind of choices when it comes to diet and exercise.

So, now, rather than sitting on the sidelines, cheering on others, I hope to become one of them... the achievers. Those who succeed, because they choose to take responsibility for their bodies and what they do with them.

I have set what I believe is a realistic goal for me - 20 pounds in 10 months, combined with increased exercise, increased social activities and cutting back on the sweets I still subject my on my body. Following the instructions in the book, I have designed a game plan and have my contingency plans (excuse busters and plan B's) laid out - which includes journaling about my goals and my feelings during this lifestyle change. I'll be in touch with an update soon.

September 11th

September 11th... 8 years later and I still fight back the tears. This year, I am finding it easier to avoid watching news coverage of those awful scenes still fresh in my mind and that's fine with me. I don't need to watch those horrific moments captured on tape to remember. But it seems impossible to keep my emotions from getting the best of me on this day. I wonder if that will ever change in my lifetime.

I think of my friends still living and working in NYC. I wonder how they are holding up. I send emails to those I know will find comfort in receicing a message from me, letting them know I am thinking of them and remembering, too.

I remember the clearest skies. I remember the smoky dust rising. I remember the panicked phone calls. I remember walking on NYC streets sprayed with water to keep the dust down. I remember the overwhelming sense of loss I felt passing groups of "missing" flyers posted by loved ones on any flat surface they could find. I remember standing in line for 7 hours on that very day waiting to donate a pint of blood, just to feel like I was doing something to help. I remember and I let the tears fall.

Coming Clean

So, it's just after my extended deadline for a clutter free home promised to myself in an earlier blog session... Labor Day weekend has come and gone and while I cannot write with a clear conscience that my home officepurge is complete, I can write that I'm the closest I've ever been to having closets, cabinets and drawers all organized working space, instead of the places you hide your clutter behind.

For years, she posted a comic clipped from a newspaper dealing with clutter - if memory serves, from Family Circus. It showed a couple standing in front of a messy basement with a caption suggesting they should really do something about the mess. The last frame shows the closet door being closed with a caption that read something like "how's that?" I think that is how I've been dealing with my life's clutter - in fact, I've joked with my neighbor Carrie that I should get decorate with all lucite furniture, so I would no longer be able to store shameful mess hidden behind closet and cabinet doors. While I'm not completely cured from clutter (there are a few lingering spots that require my attention still and a few places I've let slide back to my old ways) my house in most definitely showing signs of organization.

Last night, a my friend Terra stopped by meet my new kitten and pick something up. She arrived about 10 minutes after I got home from work. There was no time to straighten up the house before she arrived. I gave her a quick tour of my place, since it was her first time there. And, for the first time in I can't tell you how long, I was comfortable showing someone around my home and not apologizing cluttered rooms. It wasn't spotless, there were things lying around in a few rooms, but I hadn't needed to throw things behind closet doors in a frenzied rush when I arrived home, or closed doors to certain rooms (like my until recently dreaded home office) to avoid them being seen. I was pleased with myself for having reached a stage of organized where I wasn't offering up excuses for myself. I felt good. Really good.

So, now my new goal - by year end - is to have all the little spots [my coat closet, linen closet and office file drawer to name a few] that still require some work before they're "show ready" completely organized and streamlined. I want to feel that feeling and keep feeling it every time I re-enter my home. It's a lofty goal for me, I'll admit. But, goals are great things to have in life. And this is a goal I used to think was something I could never attain. I used to wish I could be more like people I know who live in tidy, organized spaces. Now, I see that I can be that person and I'm working to make it happen.

Welcome Sasha!

On Saturday, August 15th, I brought Sasha home. Adopting Sasha was the easy part, but getting to that point was some five years in the making.

Just before relocating to Arizona, my cat, Cato, developed a devastating illness that eventually took his life. It was an amazingly stressful time. I had just decided to leave behind the life I'd known and was all wrapped up in finding an apartment, hiring a mover and packing up my belongings for the upcoming move across country. Cato's illness took me by surprise. It also created some pretty tremendous feelings of guilt that my decision to move had somehow caused or facilitated Cato's illness. After Cato was euthanized, I had him cremated and planned to bury his ashes in my parent's back yard (the customary place we planted our childhood pets lost to cars or natural causes) before I moved. However, after getting his ashes, I found I didn't like the idea of leaving Cato behind. So, his ashes moved with me. We made the journey together to Arizona.

I was so sure I'd never be emotionally strong enough to have another pet again, since I never wanted to live through another devastating illness and loss again. It took me over a year before I could even talk about Cato without crying. My sister was so sure I would get another pet within a year after my move, but it's been almost 6 years.

Time is truly a great healer. Perhaps it was the influence of spending so much time with my neighbor and her brood of 4 cats. It started innocently enough. I found myself searching sites for kittens and cats available for adoption. I even made a few trips to local animal shelters. But, each time I walked away empty handed. I kept telling myself that when it was my cat, I'd know. And, I was right. On Tuesday, August 11th, I saw a photo of Sasha. She was exactly what I wanted - a Siamese mix kitten with something in her face that I can't describe, but my heart instantly recognized. I emailed the poster inquiring on her availability and made arrangements to meet her in person on Saturday. I arrived early (2 hours early to be exact) with my borrowed pet carrier (Thanks, Carrie!) and entertained myself while waiting for the adoption organization to arrive. The minute I took her out of the carrier she arrived in, I knew she was going home with me. She clung to me, as I wandered through the store, picking up the essentials; food, cat litter and a litter box. I brought her home and spent an anxious day and night waiting for my little girl to acclimate to home. By Sunday morning, the quiet and clinging kitten was up and about and running around my home - giving me cause to question my sanity - but only briefly.

It's been just about 3 weeks since Sasha entered my life and I haven't regretted adopting her for a minute. She's so different than Cato, but then that's what I wanted. She fits smoothly and easily into my life.

I do believe that our surroundings often reflect our inner turmoil. I know my years with Cato were filled with angst, fear and insecurity - Cato's own personality mirrored my unsettled inner self and he was not an easy animal to live with. Cato was nervous, anxious around others and didn't welcome change - and he wasn't afraid to bite the hand that fed him. I wasn't feeling very positive in those days and while Cato was a loving pet to me, he was an animal easily stressed.

Sasha, well, she's a different personality all together, she's sweet and quiet, but is full of energy, too. She seems comfortable in her surroundings and gets more and more inquisitive about her environment every day. I hope this reflects my own more balanced and positive state of being. I look forward to spending many years of peaceful companionship with Sasha, along with a few manic moments thrown in for fun!

Reconnecting

I recently received an e-mail from a former school mate announcing a new website for my High School class. The website is a terrific walk down memory lane. Our senior portraits appear next to the names on each page - a few have more recent photos and written details posted what people have been up to since graduation. It was like stepping back in time, slowly reacquainting myself with once familiar names and faces.

What surprised me was the myriad of feelings confronting me, when I was faced with deciding what information I was willing to share on the website. I played it safe and sent my phone number and email address.

High school was a time I suffered through. I struggled with wanting to be popular and fit in, while not wanting to be another mindless copy, defined by the popular hair styles and dress codes. I longed for something different - exotic - unique. I believe those thoughts are what drove me to attend a college out of state. I wanted to move on and leave the homogeneous, predictable life I'd known behind me.

After graduation, I counted the minutes until I left for college. I planned a fresh start where I could become anyone I wanted. When I returned home the summer of my freshman year, my college experience had already changed me. I had forged new bonds with new friends and no longer fit back into the lives of the friends I'd left behind. I couldn't wait to return to my life at college, where I truly belonged.

Many years and many experiences later, I am now living thousands of miles from my childhood home. My life has taken some pretty amazing twists and turns - with quite a few life lessons thrown in along the way.

After graduating from college, I thought about adventures. I considered joining the peace core - but talked myself out of it, because I couldn't see working in an under-developed nation without a daily shower and creature comforts I took for granted. I toyed with the idea of graduate school, but convinced myself that I didn't have the smarts or the dedication, not to mention a clear vision on a course of study. I had fallen in love for the first time during college, where I also learned to put another person's needs and wants before my own - a recurring theme that has plagued most of my adult life.

While I've always been drawn to the foreign, different, exotic - I've never really stepped out of my own comfort zone. I've been more of an observer in life and less of a participant. It's not easy learning to take risks, but I'm still a work in progress. I'm still learning about me. Every new day is a door to future possibilities.

I hope to travel abroad, see more of the world and experience people and places first hand - not just through travel documentaries or images provided by friends from other countries and cultures. I still toy with the idea of graduate school - after all, you're never too old to learn. More importantly, I am learning to push myself from my comfort zones and learning to take steps towards making any dreams I have become reality...

I've already been in contact with a few friends from High School and I'll admit it's rather exciting to reconnect. I realize that we all share a common bond that never truly leaves you - no matter where you've been since then. Life is an amazing journey. You just never know where it might take you next...

Beat the Heat

After enjoying almost the entire month of June in below-average temperatures, the triple-digit days of summer finally arrived. The increased heat makes it tough to stick to the twice daily walking routine I've recently established with my neighbor, Carrie. We try to fit in a walk every morning before work [weekends, too] and a second go-round in the evenings once the sun sets. As a way to beat the heat, we've started taking our "walk" into the pool. It's been a great way to fit in a little exerise with out even breaking a sweat. In fact, after spending over an hour in the pool last night, I was so chilled I broke out in goose bumps... I've also discovered our nightly pool-walk has resulted in more regular contact with neighbors I might not see until sometime in September when the temperatures drop again. Carrie and I now converse through the pool fence with neighbors out walking dogs or passing by the pool area. One night in particular our mutual neighbor, Julie, was returning from a walk she'd cut short due to the uncomfortable heat and decided to join us in her walking shorts & tank top! I think she now knows that a pool walk in the evening is the only way to go.

So, to anyone who can't quite fathom how to actually enjoy an evening in 100+ degree temperatures, I say - come join me for a refreshing pool walk.... it's the a great way beat the heat.

Self-Evaluation

It's review time again at work. A time for reflection on past accomplishments, future goals and areas I need to improve upon. I do find it interesting that I am asked to provide a completed self-evaluation before receiving feedback from management. Like, do they really need me to point out my best attributes and weaknesses? Or is this their way of checking to see if I have a realistic grasp on how others at the Firm see me?

This year, I felt good about my accomplishments and strengths. I was happy to point out a list of my incredibly positive contributions to the workplace. I look forward to a glowing review. Yes, I'm feeling that good about me.

I also tried to express my support to a co-worker who was dealing with some recent happenings that will no doubt have a slightly negative impact on her upcoming review. But, as we are both learning to do, we worked as a team to prepare her self-evaluation, making sure her best attributes with specific examples were presented and addressing those areas she will need to improve upon with clear steps on how she intends to improve. Having been in her shoes more than once in my life, I know the best way to get through the bad days is to realize you cannot change what happened in your past, but you can take steps to make create more positive perceptions of you going forward.

July Already?

It's hard to believe that tomorrow is July 1st. Wow. The months seem to fly by like minutes... I am looking forward to a long weekend - the office has opted to close on Friday for the July 4th holiday. I have plans to work on my office organization project a bit, so I get that much closer to my goal of being clutter free by labor day. That's not to say, I won't take advantage of my "free" day to get in a little pool time on Friday morning and enjoy a little leisurely reading during the heat of the afternoon. Living in Arizona, you quickly learn why countries with hot climates have adopted the mid-day siesta! I've adapted to rising early to exercise and run errands, then waiting until after the sun sets before attempting any outdoor activities at night. It's the only way to get through the summer months here.

There are benefits to living in a City where it gets so hot you could fry and egg on the sidewalk.

• Traffic is lighter, because the "snowbirds" (winter-only dwellers) are long gone, schools are out on summer break and many locals travel further north to escape the summer heat in the Valley.
• You quickly learn to respect Mother Nature. The Desert is an amazingly beautiful but brutal place in summer, and you either adapt to the environment or die trying. I mourned the loss of several plants lost to the ravages of Arizona summers past. But, I'm proud to report I've managed to keep a lovely hibiscus, fragrant Arabian jasmine, and a Mexican Lime tree that is finally producing normal sized fruit alive and thriving for 3 years (and counting)... with the help of my handy neighbor, Carrie, who volunteers her time to give my plants a better chance at survival than they'd get if left to my rather haphazard care. I've added a few cactus plants to the patio mix, since it's easier to grow plants that have already learned to survive here and can handle a few neglected waterings (hey, no one's perfect)...
• You have a built-in excuse to nap during the day.
• You suffer through 2 hot months a year to enjoy 10 months of nearly perfect weather with temperatures that allow you to be outdoors even in the midst of winter. (Nothing like enjoying dinner on the patio under the stars in January... )

Living through a desert summer certainly makes you appreciate life. Sure, I'll admit, my first summer I questioned my sanity. Then, I found, if you just give into it - realize you cannot conquer it - learn to accept it and work through it - it's not so bad after all.

Enjoy your summer!!! I know I will.

Falling Star

Yesterday the world lost Farrah Fawcett. Sadly, her death was eclipsed by the passing of Michael Jackson just hours after. Countless Michael Jackson hits play on radio stations, television networks run Michael Jackson footage intermingled with interviews from friends and colleagues, and today news crews hover like vultures outside a coroner's office in California waiting for the first morsel they can get on the cause of Michael's death.

Like so many others, I grew up a fan of Michael Jackson. Michael pictures adorned my bedroom walls. I devoured Michael articles in Tiger Beat magazine. I even sported my own navy blue velvet cap, because I thought it resembled a cap Michael wore. I desperately wanted to look like his sister LaToya, and unsuccessfully attempted to style my own curly locks to look like LaToya's. As I reflect on the passing of a pop icon I grew up listening to, watching, even fantasizing about, I cannot help but think of other famous people whose larger than life lives have ended in tragedy. Why is it these rare and gifted people who possess an undeniable magnetism seem to be denied the opportunity to grow old gracefully and pass peacefully? I think of Marylin Monroe, Elvis Presley, and even Anna Nicole Smith. Now it's Michael's turn to have every sordid detail (fact or fiction) of his life as front page news for days to come.

Fame seems to exact a tall price from uniquely magnetic supertars. I wonder is a shortened life span part of their genetic makeup, or is it the burden of fame that causes their larger than life energy to crash and burn too quickly?

One thing is for sure, it's impossible to forget a life that burns so brightly - even after that light has fades to black. Memories - that warm afterglow - remain.

Friend by Definition

I was struggling for a topic today - so I went on to the merriam-webster online dictionary to look up what their definition of the word "friend". Here's what they have written [ edited by me ]:

Main Entry: 1friend
1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance
2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

I'm not sure what exactly I was looking for, but I will admit I was a little disappointed. Where's the stuff that makes one person really refer to another person as their friend? Where's the stuff that truly defines a good friend? Like:

- someone who's got your back (even when you don't realize it)

- someone who accepts you as you are and likes you just the way you are

- someone who believes in you when you might be struggling to believe in yourself

- someone whose presence in your life helps to make you a better person and a truer friend yourself

Those are the definitions I'd like to see... Oh, I know - there are degrees of friends. Someone you might call friend is truly more of an acquaintance by definition (you'll have to look this one up yourself). I'm fortunate to have an ample supply of great friends - the ones who meet the definitions I've added above - and then some. My friends are all truly amazing people and I am so happy to have them in my life.

So, today - I say "thanks" to all my friends!

Postive Thoughts for a Friend

Today, I'm offering up a little positive insipiration by borrowing a few quotes from those who say it far better than I ever could (in pink, her favorite color):

"Keep away from small people who try to belittle your ambitions.

Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that

you, too, can become great."

- Mark Twain -

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible;

and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

- St. Francis of Assisi -

"A positive attitue may not solve all your problems,

but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

- Herm Albright -

Life

I spent quite a bit of time this weekend watching CNN's coverage of the uprising in Iran. It was pretty intense watching people fight to change the world they live in. One image in particular captured the death of a young girl named, Neda. It felt rather strange to be watching her as the final seconds of her life unfolded on camera. As her death scene played over and over again, CNN commentators stated the family wanted to share the images with the world to show what is happening in Iran and in tribute to her ultimate sacrifice. I cannot help but wonder, how would Neda feel about sharing her final seconds alive with millions of strangers watching? I wonder, how Neda would feel about suddenly being recognized by people all over the world? I wonder, how Neda would feel to know that her last breath seems to have ignited a unified cry for change that is being heard all over the globe? I also wonder what Neda's life story would have been, had tragedy spared her life?

As an observer, it is my hope the people of Iran, who make up the very human element of this history in the making on the streets where they live, get to realize their dreams. SOLH (peace).

Thanks, Terra!

Well, who knew there was so much to learn about blogging? I find filling the empty space with my mind's wanderings is the easy part. Making my blog a fun place to stop by - well, I'm still very much the novice.

Today, Terra helped me add some "fun" things onto my blog! Widgets... amazing little things you can add to spice up the joint. Today, I added the magic 8 ball, but its quaint spot was quickly lost to the Tarot card widget I discovered... now that's some fun.

I may be a mentor to Terra when it comes to life lessons, being 20 years her senior - But - she's certainly the teacher in this arena. Thanks, T!

Hooray for Friday!

Well it's Friday - I'm enjoying veggie pizza at my desk at the moment, enjoying the fruits of my labors earlier this week. In honor of Father's Day - and to have a little office fun to make everyone's day - I created a Know Your Co-Worker contest... I obtained baby pictures (most from obliging wives of the bankers in the office, the rest voluntarily) from everyone in the office and put up a test including 20 pics. The first prize for guessing the most entries correct - a gift card to Paradise Bakery. I've got a few boxes of candy favorites for consolation prizes to give away, too. People are having a good time and you can feel the happier mood ease into the office space - hmmm. Nice. Why can't it feel this serene all the time? (OK, silly question).


In searching for my own baby picture, I found my favorite photo of me - taken when I was 21. I remember the day this was taken - in White Plains, NY during March of my junior year of college... wow, a lifetime of experiences ago. Good times.


Well, time to tally the scores for the contest... looks like one of our computer techs (who truly seems to pay so little attention to his fellow co-workers during the workday) will win today's contest - missing only 2 out of the 20 total! Who'd have thought it?

and the beat goes on...

Well, this blog is certainly keeping me and my sisters communicating. I emailed a link to my blog earlier, so they could read my tribute to our Dad. My sister Janet sent me this awesome pic of her with my Dad. Thanks for sharing, Jan! My sister, Jean, emailed me back and now I've caught up a bit on what's going on with my beautiful nephews, Timmy & Corey in Ohio. Thanks, Jean! Even though we're each separated by miles, this blog kind of makes them disappear while we share... Gives me a reason to smile, too.

Say "cheese."

DAD

So, it's my lunch hour again - blog time. Family has been a hot topic the past few days. A few co-workers have been dealing with seriously ill children and one of my co-workers (Miss Leigh) is dealing with her own health scare and is still waiting to find out what's wrong. Thankfully, as I write this my family members are all in good health and good spirits. This Sunday marks another Father's Day... so, today's blog is going to be a bit about my Dad.

Paul (or Buzz as he's affectionately known by friends and family alike) was born and raised in Massachusetts - the youngest of three. After a career in the insurance industry and raising 4 pretty incredible kids - Dad retired and is presently enjoying life in Vermont [although I'm pleased to report that 4 years of "recruiting" has finally paid off and he and my Mom may be relocating to sunny Arizona.] I grabbed the shot above of the 'rents at the Desert Botanical Garden in Phoenix, which has been a routine stop on their annual visits. This year, we enjoyed "Chilhuly: The Nature of Glass" exhibit while there and took lots of beautiful pictures. The parents look pretty happy here and that's why I love the photo. Imagine, 53 years together and they still smile at each other like newlyweds...


My folks have made their annual visit to see me a kind of retiree Spring Break, usually arriving in late march and staying to mid-April. I love having them here, since it's usually the only time I see them, even though we chat on the phone pretty often. We've been on them to consider moving closer to one of their kids, since they're presently a good 4-5 hour drive from my brother and while he's closest in proximity, he's also least likely to be available on short notice. Thanks to very mild winters and resort lifestyle Arizona has to offer (not to mention supportive siblings, who all pointed out Scottsdale was destination they'd enjoy visiting), it would appear that my folks are seriously considering making Arizona their home. We'll see what the future holds for Paul & Lucy. Will they relocate to Scottsdale? Will they remain in Vermont? Will I remember to update this blog with the answers? Stay tuned.


Anyway, here's to the my Dad - once the tallest guy I knew who would let me play "skin the cat" while he was still in his suit - the guy who made a point of taking each of his girls out every year for a special 'Day with Dad' - the guy who gave up smoking because I asked him to - the guy who found a way to help me afford the out-of-state private college of my choice - the guy who packed me up and drove me through 3 states in a u-haul rental truck with a broken radio to first my first apartment in New York - the guy who managed to survive my volatile childhood years and still love me... I couldn't ask for a better Dad.

Happy Fathers Day, with Love.

Indecisive

One of my own least favorite traits is my indecisiveness. Like, why can't I just make a quick and fast decision when faced with options? I wish I knew.

Yesterday, my sweetie asked me to make plans for the weekend. I mentioned I had my standing monthly hair appointment at 9am tomorrow and would need to take off for an hour and then we'd have the rest of the day to enjoy our time until he left for work that evening. It turns out my standing appointment was not booked and my options are for 11am or 3pm tomorrow (the 3pm slot is a favor from my stylist, who was hoping to get off work early). Now, I sit here wondering, are my roots really that bad? Can I just wait until next Saturday morning or would I be better off going in at 11am, so Lynn (my stylist) could take off as planned? I check my roots in the bathroom mirror (lighting is dark, so I don't trust that my roots really don't look that bad to me). I ask my 20-something co-workers, "Do you think my roots look bad?" I consider calling back and changing my appointment until next Saturday - but what if I make plans for next weekend, too? I call the significant other to ask his opinion - after all, this is a dilemma for me I need to resolve. (No answer) Where is the man when you need him? I ask myself, "Ruth, why can't you schedule a simple hair appointment and move on? Why do you second guess yourself every time? I reply to myself, "I don't know." This same process rears its ugly head in so many instances, I can't count. How do you learn to become more decisive? I'm open to your suggestions. [ Resolution: my sweetie was fine with rearranging our weekend plans. I called the salon back and took the earlier appointment, so my stylist can get out early as planned. Now, wasn't that simple? ]

I enjoyed lunch with friends Ibi and Elisa today at Paradise Bakery (shameless plug for Elisa's place of business!) It was lovely, but far too short. Ibi brought pictures of a major landscaping project she and her husband David have been working on in their spare time. So far, their progress is truly amazing. If they ever decide to change careers, they could both be instantly in business creating lovely sculptured home environments for others. I knew their work would be awe inspiring, having witnessed their last little home project - a completely remodeled kitchen. I believe, if Ibi had the tools and space in her garage, she'd have cut and installed her own granite countertops - aside from the counters, I believe they did everything else themselves. It's a show piece. I cannot wait to see their latest handiwork in person.

Elisa was her warm and happy self. She brought her 2 boys - Will and Zac - but they happily sat at table nearby while we chatted away my lunch hour. We all agreed it's been far too long since our last get-together and promised to schedule something real soon. Everyone's busy schedules makes it a challenge these days, but I know it'll happen soon, thanks to Elisa's never allowing us to go for too long before she sets something up. I'll give credit to Ibi on this, too - since she always calls me and is ready, willing and able to set up a quick coffee before work, if that's the only free time we can coordinate. Great friends are worth making time.

Food for Thought

I just finished answering an email to my cousin in NJ (hello, Pat). She and I are both share the common goal of learning how to take control over our bodies and start working towards getting in the best shape we can possibly be. To that end, we've both explored the many options promising weight loss and fitness. In our struggles to find the right path to healthy fitness, I think we've both discovered that the first true hurdle to overcome is choosing to love yourself enough to make you the priority in your life.

Speaking for myself, I am still learning to love and respect myself enough to take that control. All my life, I've found it easier to put the needs and wants of others before my own. In keeping my focus elsewhere, I've been able to avoid dealing with my own issues. In fact, I now recognize that it's partly why I am so ready to take on anyone else's cause. So, I'm in the baby steps of learning how to become accountable to me. And, it certainly hasn't been easy.

Shortly after the new year, I saw an Oprah Winfrey show where her guest, Peter Walsh, was helping people like me start taking control of their lives by attacking the physical and emotional clutter - freeing themselves up to live more fully and completely. I taped the show, because I knew it hit home. I wanted to experience it first hand and resolved that I was going to make it happen. I signed up online and started getting the monthly projects by email and I took pictures of all my spaces - the rooms and closets. I spent a Friday night preparing room plans for my kitchen, dining room, living room, bedrooms, office and ALL of my closets - including the pantry, utility room and 1 for each bedroom (since closets in my house are the places where it's so easy to hide clutter and give the illusion you're in control). The exercise of drafting a plan of what the room/closet was to be used for and how it was used presently really helped prepare a sensible plan of attack - because the "clutter" had taken over every living space.

I started on my guest bedroom, the one room that was already in pretty good shape and easiest to complete. I decided to leave my office for last - because it contains the most emotionally charged clutter and the room in the most need of an overhaul. I figured I'd have sharpened my organizing skills on the other spaces and I knew starting there would kill the project and I'd never achieve the goal. My neighbor, Carrie, listened to me excitedly outline my basic plan of attack and admittedly left my home that night figuring I'd never follow the plan through. She came over to check on me the following morning and was amazed to see how much I'd actually accomplished. However, I came across my first first stumbling block - a hope chest filled with stuff I'd forgotten I even had - containing a few household items kept for sentimental reasons and a pile of lovely decorative pillows that had adorned my bed before I redecorated my bedroom. When she suggested I donate them, you'd have thought she was asking me to give up a kidney! I was in serious distress over getting rid of accent pillows I wasn't even using and forgot I had. Eventually, Carrie persuaded me to let them go - and when I handed down the bag containing my beautiful pillows to the gentleman at Goodwill, I didn't so much as give them a backward glance.

That was day one of my organization project. It's been several months and several successful rooms since then - but I've slipped a bit on completing my project by my original due date May 1st). I still have one major space remaining - the office. I started on it back in March and after 8 full hours (I stopped because my shredder had overheated) and barely making a dent, I had to stop. It's a monster of a room - small in size - but packed full of unopened bills and bank statements, photos, cards and personal mementos collected over the past 30 years. It has also become the holding area for artwork and other decorative items I haven't been willing or able to part with. I will admit, I willingly used my parents impending arrival for a months' stay to postpone the project. I am however resolved to complete this project over the summer and my new deadline is clutter-free by labor day! I plan to post the best of my before and after shots, so you can all witness my triumph.

You may be asking yourself (that is if you're still reading) why go into the clutter discussion after an opening about weight loss and fitness? I'll tell you why. I believe that the physical and emotional clutter are visual manifestations of my inner turmoil. I also believe that once I've conquered my clutter and learned to treat my home and belongings with proper respect, I will be able to learn to treat my body with love, consideration and respect.

Because of my newly organized my living spaces, I have found "free time" to walk in the mornings and after dinner with my neighbor (my next major project, making time to shape up!). I find my shopping lists are easier to create - I can instantly see what I need and avoid purchasing things I already have in stock. And, that means more time to spend with family, friends and on activities I enjoy far more than cleaning house and redistributing clutter from space to space.

I've decided it's also time to pay more attention to mindful eating. I am working to plan my meals in advance, keeping healthy snack alternatives in the house and finding fun activities that keep me from sitting on the sofa eating out of boredom. The walking has already helped, but I've decided it's time to up the ante... I'm going to add a motivational picture to my fridge door - along with a food diary - to help me face what I'm eating every time I pass the fridge door... So, here's to discovering my inner fit self!

(inspiration by Drew Barrymore)

lunch time offering

I could be taking a walk outdoors to stretch my legs and get a change of scene, but instead, I'm posting my 2nd blog in less than 1 hours' time. Amazing (is this addictive?). I'm thinking this is like your own personal therapy group. You post your thoughts, hopes, fears, worries and get support, kudos, affirmation and "you go girls" back in return.

So, now that I've discovered the secret pleasures of blogging, I'm anxious to get my friends and family all over to participate. I can hardly wait to start inviting them to my blog. A big Thank you goes out to Terra, who's singularly responsible for helping me make the leap into the virtual unknown... and a shout out to Leigh, who assures me that a simple blog is just fine.

This weekend, my good friend Noor will be returning to Malaysia - into the welcoming arms of her family. I spent most of last Saturday just hanging out at her place, while she packed up boxes from her life in the States to be shipped back to her family home in Malaysia. We spent most of our time doing what we always have, talking about our lives, our friends, our loved ones - doing our very best to keep off the topic that would put us both in tears, and the impending move out of the US for Noor and her son. I will miss the trips to Lee Lee's Asian Market for fresh herbs and spices for cooking - our chats over meals at some of our favorite Indian, Thai and Pakistani restaurants in the Valley. But, most of all, I will just miss her. I hope that, before long, we will be sitting together as we've done so many times in the past few years, and laughing about life.

To mark the occasion, I created a memory book for Noor. I included a lot of quotes about friendship and one about the bends in the road that change the direction we thought we were heading in. I have heard variations of this quote before, but wasn't aware the quote is attributed to Helen Keller: "When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Having survived 2 layoffs and a few major life changing events in the past ten years, I can truly say that the twists and turns in my own life's journey have been learning and growing experiences. Life, as they say, is a journey. The comfort of true friends you meet along the way can certainly makes the trip worthwhile. Selamat jalan - Safe journey, Noor.

Trying New Things

So, thanks to a few 20-something friends, I'm learning about a strange new world for me... blogging online. I've gotten this far on my own and apparently, the first order of business when you set up a blog is to post something. So, here it is.

Pretty lame for a first attempt, right? Well, what do you expect for a 40-something who learned to type on the ol' IBM selectric II typewriter, with the self-correcting feature (for those of you too young to even know what I mean, it was like having "white-out" stamp built in...)?

I'll probably write some more, once I've mastered the art of blogging. Stay tuned...