Setting Goals - Reflection

I've been reading a book by Charles Stuart Platkin, the "Diet Detective," hoping to find the right spark of motivation to embark on my next big goal - losing weight. I've been carrying around alot of extra pounds and they weigh quite heavily on me (pun intended). In my 20's, weight loss was all about how you looked. In my 40's, it's all about health concerns. Don't get me wrong, I still want to look good, but the focus shifts to concerns about swollen ankles, trouble breathing, even premature death.

I took my healthy body for granted as a kid and abused it. I didn't exercise regularly. I had very unhealthy eating habits (my Mom often says if it were not for peanut butter and jelly, I wouldn't have survived) and an incredible sweet tooth. Weight became a concern in my teens, so I switched to diet soda's and other unhealthy habits. I will even admit, I tried to purge on more than one occasion after binging on junk food, but never could get the vomiting habit going - and my weight reflected that. Moving away to college helped - I fell in love and found institutinal cafeteria food rather revolting - stuck on campus with little cash, I ate only when hungry and walked everywhere. I lost a quick 25 pounds the first few months of my freshman year.

I stayed at what I consider a rather healthy weight until my senior year - when I started packing on the pounds. I wasn't sure what caused the weight gain, but stressful life changes - like looking for work after 4 years of enjoying college dorm life, moving in with my parents (something I thought I'd never do again when I left 4 years earlier) and the demise of relationship with my first love probably all had a significant impact on me. The weight gain has gradually climbed ever since. Oh, there were a few moments here and there, when I was able to knock of 10 or 20 pounds with whatever diet fad I was on. But, my extra pounds seemed stuck to me like glue.

My weight loss attempts included the yeast free diet (in combination with the blood type diet), weight watchers, nutrisystem and even a doctor supervised modified fast that was guaranteed to give me a great start on weight loss. None of these attempts provided any lasting weight gain and over the course of time, have led me to fear trying again... I did have a few wonderful sessions with a nutritionist a few years back - although they turned out to be more like therapy sessions for me! I took away some solid tools about healthy eating and exercise that, if used properly, can be great guidelines to keep a body on track. But, what I also found out about me, I was full of reasons why I couldn't succeed.

I've watched other family members and friends achieve incredible health and fitness goals, simply by putting one foot in front of the other. None of these successes were achieved over night, but they've all managed to maintain their healthy physiques by continuing with making the right kind of choices when it comes to diet and exercise.

So, now, rather than sitting on the sidelines, cheering on others, I hope to become one of them... the achievers. Those who succeed, because they choose to take responsibility for their bodies and what they do with them.

I have set what I believe is a realistic goal for me - 20 pounds in 10 months, combined with increased exercise, increased social activities and cutting back on the sweets I still subject my on my body. Following the instructions in the book, I have designed a game plan and have my contingency plans (excuse busters and plan B's) laid out - which includes journaling about my goals and my feelings during this lifestyle change. I'll be in touch with an update soon.

September 11th

September 11th... 8 years later and I still fight back the tears. This year, I am finding it easier to avoid watching news coverage of those awful scenes still fresh in my mind and that's fine with me. I don't need to watch those horrific moments captured on tape to remember. But it seems impossible to keep my emotions from getting the best of me on this day. I wonder if that will ever change in my lifetime.

I think of my friends still living and working in NYC. I wonder how they are holding up. I send emails to those I know will find comfort in receicing a message from me, letting them know I am thinking of them and remembering, too.

I remember the clearest skies. I remember the smoky dust rising. I remember the panicked phone calls. I remember walking on NYC streets sprayed with water to keep the dust down. I remember the overwhelming sense of loss I felt passing groups of "missing" flyers posted by loved ones on any flat surface they could find. I remember standing in line for 7 hours on that very day waiting to donate a pint of blood, just to feel like I was doing something to help. I remember and I let the tears fall.

Coming Clean

So, it's just after my extended deadline for a clutter free home promised to myself in an earlier blog session... Labor Day weekend has come and gone and while I cannot write with a clear conscience that my home officepurge is complete, I can write that I'm the closest I've ever been to having closets, cabinets and drawers all organized working space, instead of the places you hide your clutter behind.

For years, she posted a comic clipped from a newspaper dealing with clutter - if memory serves, from Family Circus. It showed a couple standing in front of a messy basement with a caption suggesting they should really do something about the mess. The last frame shows the closet door being closed with a caption that read something like "how's that?" I think that is how I've been dealing with my life's clutter - in fact, I've joked with my neighbor Carrie that I should get decorate with all lucite furniture, so I would no longer be able to store shameful mess hidden behind closet and cabinet doors. While I'm not completely cured from clutter (there are a few lingering spots that require my attention still and a few places I've let slide back to my old ways) my house in most definitely showing signs of organization.

Last night, a my friend Terra stopped by meet my new kitten and pick something up. She arrived about 10 minutes after I got home from work. There was no time to straighten up the house before she arrived. I gave her a quick tour of my place, since it was her first time there. And, for the first time in I can't tell you how long, I was comfortable showing someone around my home and not apologizing cluttered rooms. It wasn't spotless, there were things lying around in a few rooms, but I hadn't needed to throw things behind closet doors in a frenzied rush when I arrived home, or closed doors to certain rooms (like my until recently dreaded home office) to avoid them being seen. I was pleased with myself for having reached a stage of organized where I wasn't offering up excuses for myself. I felt good. Really good.

So, now my new goal - by year end - is to have all the little spots [my coat closet, linen closet and office file drawer to name a few] that still require some work before they're "show ready" completely organized and streamlined. I want to feel that feeling and keep feeling it every time I re-enter my home. It's a lofty goal for me, I'll admit. But, goals are great things to have in life. And this is a goal I used to think was something I could never attain. I used to wish I could be more like people I know who live in tidy, organized spaces. Now, I see that I can be that person and I'm working to make it happen.

Welcome Sasha!

On Saturday, August 15th, I brought Sasha home. Adopting Sasha was the easy part, but getting to that point was some five years in the making.

Just before relocating to Arizona, my cat, Cato, developed a devastating illness that eventually took his life. It was an amazingly stressful time. I had just decided to leave behind the life I'd known and was all wrapped up in finding an apartment, hiring a mover and packing up my belongings for the upcoming move across country. Cato's illness took me by surprise. It also created some pretty tremendous feelings of guilt that my decision to move had somehow caused or facilitated Cato's illness. After Cato was euthanized, I had him cremated and planned to bury his ashes in my parent's back yard (the customary place we planted our childhood pets lost to cars or natural causes) before I moved. However, after getting his ashes, I found I didn't like the idea of leaving Cato behind. So, his ashes moved with me. We made the journey together to Arizona.

I was so sure I'd never be emotionally strong enough to have another pet again, since I never wanted to live through another devastating illness and loss again. It took me over a year before I could even talk about Cato without crying. My sister was so sure I would get another pet within a year after my move, but it's been almost 6 years.

Time is truly a great healer. Perhaps it was the influence of spending so much time with my neighbor and her brood of 4 cats. It started innocently enough. I found myself searching sites for kittens and cats available for adoption. I even made a few trips to local animal shelters. But, each time I walked away empty handed. I kept telling myself that when it was my cat, I'd know. And, I was right. On Tuesday, August 11th, I saw a photo of Sasha. She was exactly what I wanted - a Siamese mix kitten with something in her face that I can't describe, but my heart instantly recognized. I emailed the poster inquiring on her availability and made arrangements to meet her in person on Saturday. I arrived early (2 hours early to be exact) with my borrowed pet carrier (Thanks, Carrie!) and entertained myself while waiting for the adoption organization to arrive. The minute I took her out of the carrier she arrived in, I knew she was going home with me. She clung to me, as I wandered through the store, picking up the essentials; food, cat litter and a litter box. I brought her home and spent an anxious day and night waiting for my little girl to acclimate to home. By Sunday morning, the quiet and clinging kitten was up and about and running around my home - giving me cause to question my sanity - but only briefly.

It's been just about 3 weeks since Sasha entered my life and I haven't regretted adopting her for a minute. She's so different than Cato, but then that's what I wanted. She fits smoothly and easily into my life.

I do believe that our surroundings often reflect our inner turmoil. I know my years with Cato were filled with angst, fear and insecurity - Cato's own personality mirrored my unsettled inner self and he was not an easy animal to live with. Cato was nervous, anxious around others and didn't welcome change - and he wasn't afraid to bite the hand that fed him. I wasn't feeling very positive in those days and while Cato was a loving pet to me, he was an animal easily stressed.

Sasha, well, she's a different personality all together, she's sweet and quiet, but is full of energy, too. She seems comfortable in her surroundings and gets more and more inquisitive about her environment every day. I hope this reflects my own more balanced and positive state of being. I look forward to spending many years of peaceful companionship with Sasha, along with a few manic moments thrown in for fun!

Reconnecting

I recently received an e-mail from a former school mate announcing a new website for my High School class. The website is a terrific walk down memory lane. Our senior portraits appear next to the names on each page - a few have more recent photos and written details posted what people have been up to since graduation. It was like stepping back in time, slowly reacquainting myself with once familiar names and faces.

What surprised me was the myriad of feelings confronting me, when I was faced with deciding what information I was willing to share on the website. I played it safe and sent my phone number and email address.

High school was a time I suffered through. I struggled with wanting to be popular and fit in, while not wanting to be another mindless copy, defined by the popular hair styles and dress codes. I longed for something different - exotic - unique. I believe those thoughts are what drove me to attend a college out of state. I wanted to move on and leave the homogeneous, predictable life I'd known behind me.

After graduation, I counted the minutes until I left for college. I planned a fresh start where I could become anyone I wanted. When I returned home the summer of my freshman year, my college experience had already changed me. I had forged new bonds with new friends and no longer fit back into the lives of the friends I'd left behind. I couldn't wait to return to my life at college, where I truly belonged.

Many years and many experiences later, I am now living thousands of miles from my childhood home. My life has taken some pretty amazing twists and turns - with quite a few life lessons thrown in along the way.

After graduating from college, I thought about adventures. I considered joining the peace core - but talked myself out of it, because I couldn't see working in an under-developed nation without a daily shower and creature comforts I took for granted. I toyed with the idea of graduate school, but convinced myself that I didn't have the smarts or the dedication, not to mention a clear vision on a course of study. I had fallen in love for the first time during college, where I also learned to put another person's needs and wants before my own - a recurring theme that has plagued most of my adult life.

While I've always been drawn to the foreign, different, exotic - I've never really stepped out of my own comfort zone. I've been more of an observer in life and less of a participant. It's not easy learning to take risks, but I'm still a work in progress. I'm still learning about me. Every new day is a door to future possibilities.

I hope to travel abroad, see more of the world and experience people and places first hand - not just through travel documentaries or images provided by friends from other countries and cultures. I still toy with the idea of graduate school - after all, you're never too old to learn. More importantly, I am learning to push myself from my comfort zones and learning to take steps towards making any dreams I have become reality...

I've already been in contact with a few friends from High School and I'll admit it's rather exciting to reconnect. I realize that we all share a common bond that never truly leaves you - no matter where you've been since then. Life is an amazing journey. You just never know where it might take you next...

Beat the Heat

After enjoying almost the entire month of June in below-average temperatures, the triple-digit days of summer finally arrived. The increased heat makes it tough to stick to the twice daily walking routine I've recently established with my neighbor, Carrie. We try to fit in a walk every morning before work [weekends, too] and a second go-round in the evenings once the sun sets. As a way to beat the heat, we've started taking our "walk" into the pool. It's been a great way to fit in a little exerise with out even breaking a sweat. In fact, after spending over an hour in the pool last night, I was so chilled I broke out in goose bumps... I've also discovered our nightly pool-walk has resulted in more regular contact with neighbors I might not see until sometime in September when the temperatures drop again. Carrie and I now converse through the pool fence with neighbors out walking dogs or passing by the pool area. One night in particular our mutual neighbor, Julie, was returning from a walk she'd cut short due to the uncomfortable heat and decided to join us in her walking shorts & tank top! I think she now knows that a pool walk in the evening is the only way to go.

So, to anyone who can't quite fathom how to actually enjoy an evening in 100+ degree temperatures, I say - come join me for a refreshing pool walk.... it's the a great way beat the heat.

Self-Evaluation

It's review time again at work. A time for reflection on past accomplishments, future goals and areas I need to improve upon. I do find it interesting that I am asked to provide a completed self-evaluation before receiving feedback from management. Like, do they really need me to point out my best attributes and weaknesses? Or is this their way of checking to see if I have a realistic grasp on how others at the Firm see me?

This year, I felt good about my accomplishments and strengths. I was happy to point out a list of my incredibly positive contributions to the workplace. I look forward to a glowing review. Yes, I'm feeling that good about me.

I also tried to express my support to a co-worker who was dealing with some recent happenings that will no doubt have a slightly negative impact on her upcoming review. But, as we are both learning to do, we worked as a team to prepare her self-evaluation, making sure her best attributes with specific examples were presented and addressing those areas she will need to improve upon with clear steps on how she intends to improve. Having been in her shoes more than once in my life, I know the best way to get through the bad days is to realize you cannot change what happened in your past, but you can take steps to make create more positive perceptions of you going forward.